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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

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I have created this blog to have a personal platform to not only share my life adventures, but to also have a less invasive platform (cough cough, Facebook) to express my concerns and opinions when things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows. I am an incredibly stubborn, STRONGLY OPINIONATED,  and sometimes harsh person when it comes to expressing my thoughts and feelings. With Facebook in this day and age, I am becoming more of a target on that platform rather than a voice among voices. I will not censor myself or soften my opinions here on this blog. Soooo, here I am, take it or leave it.

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A letter to Dusti

I want to start this with saying I forgive you. I forgive you for being so naive to believe every thing to ever come out of that bastards mouth and in turn dragging my name through the mud. You couldn’t possibly understand the pain you’re causing me and my family because in your fucked up little head, you actually believe yourself to be in the right. However, just because I forgive you does not mean that I am not plotting the day that I will get to throw all of this back into your smug little face.

Let’s start from the beginning. July 2nd, 2012.
I peed on a stick and learned my life would change forever. I told the father his life would soon be changing, too. Although our relationship was one already fast approaching an end, I tried to keep it together for the new little light inside of me. As time went on I became painfully aware that staying with him would be the worst possible thing I could do. He would not work, did not have a car, did not have a license, and was already claiming he needed a paternity test on this child. He had no interest then, just as he has no interest now. I was working graveyard at the 7-Eleven by his home where he and his friends would come in and call me names like “stupid cunt,” “bitch,” and then proceed to throw trash in the floor or outside of the store where they had just seen me cleaning. All of this while I was carrying his child. He came to one ultrasound…at the last five minutes where when offered pictures from my mother, he turned them down. I would not hear from him again until our child was born.

March 9th, 2013.
Leeam is two days old and I receive a text, “I want to sign over my rights, go ahead and have your boyfriend adopt him. I am not ready to be a father.” I would go on to BEG him to just meet him first. “Meet him and you will know if that is something you truly want to do.” “He is so perfect, you will want to be his father once you look into his eyes,” I pleaded with him. His response to me? “What’s the point of this if we aren’t together?” I refused to be with someone I did not want to be with as a bribe to make him be a father.

Our son is now six months old and Lee breaks up with Nikki. Nikki was a girl with several children and one on the way who left Lee when her baby was born. He was playing daddy to her children while I raised our son alone. When she left him I got my first ever “How is Leeam” text message. I proceeded to make plans with Lee to take our son to the zoo. I drove from Norman to Midwest City to pick Lee up and then to the zoo. There was chemistry between us that day, I think because I wanted so desperately for this step to be what gave my son his father and because Lee finds chemistry with any girl who will give him attention. Soon after I would move in with my father to save money and Lee would move in with us. When he moved in I convinced him to go back to his old job working nights at the nursing home. I would work all day, take Lee to work at 10 or 11, go home to the baby, wake up early and pick Lee up, and then go to work. This was our routine for around three months. If I worked evenings I would let Lee sleep while I spent time with Leeam, and if I worked mornings I would expect Lee to spend time with him until I got home so he could sleep before his shift. One morning I was working to have my dad call me frantic and pissed, “I just got home on my lunch and I found Leeam in the closet with a soiled diaper crying while Lee was sleeping.” At that moment I wanted him out. This was after three months of living with his son. Three months where I never once saw him get in the floor and play with my baby, three months where if given the opportunity to spend money he would spend it on himself even if our child needed diapers or food, three months of realizing he really did not have an interest in this child. Even though he had moved out, I still let him come over at Christmas to celebrate Leeam’s first Christmas with us. I would not hear from him again until February.

February 2014.
Leeam becomes ill and has to stay in the hospital for five days where he nearly died because of one doctors mistake. Lee sent me a message saying “How is Leeam” on the day I took him home.

March 7th, 2014. Leeam’s first birthday. I go to do a paternity test because Lee was denying him to the courts. I get a text, “tell Leeam happy birthday.”

April 2014.
I start taking Leeam to Lee and his mother’s apartment. I do the driving both ways. I got ONE $10 money order for all of the gas I spent going back and forth in those couple of months I was taking Leeam to his home. As the weeks go by I notice my son coming home smelling of cigarette smoke. I ask Lee SEVERAL times for him and his mother to not smoke in the house. By the end of May Lee is bitching that he always has Leeam on his days off and has no life. They continue to smoke and I just stop taking him over there all together.

Late summer of 2014 I receive a text after months of no contact saying “I want Leeam for Christmas.” I proceed to say, “You have made no attempts to have a relationship with this child, I am not going to just let a complete stranger take him on Christmas. If you start making an effort in his life maybe we could work something out to split the day.” After arguing for a bit we decide to meet up so he cant start spending time with Leeam. We choose the park in the mall…Lee never showed and I wouldn’t hear from him again until March of 2015. Leeam’s birthday, “Tell Leeam I said happy birthday.” This one I remember the most. I got that text while I was sitting on my bed holding my now two year old son. Crying I whispered in his ear, “Your daddy says happy birthday.”

Sometime during 2015 while he was having child support garnished, I asked him if he would start watching Leeam when our schedules were different or on his off days when I worked so that he could get time with him and also save me the $100 a week I was paying for child care. Let me put in exact quotes what his response was to me, “So according to you even tho I work 16 hr days and my 2 days arent together I should still find time to come pick him up? And last time I checked you get a lot of my check I think that counts as HELPING OUT.” That would soon be followed by a Facebook post claiming child support services was fucking him over so that I could get paid like I was working two jobs while only working one. This post would soon gain a loving comment from his mother calling me a money grubbing whore. She really is such a delightful woman, isn’t she? Of course at this point he was on girlfriend number four I think? Caitlyn. One of his longest relationships, she had a daughter he was playing daddy to so that it why he wanted nothing to do with Leeam then.  I would not hear from Lee again until I call him in August of 2016.

Nicholas…
I would start dating Nick in late August of 2015. Leeam met Nick in November of 2015 after we decided to make things official. In February of 2016 I would get a letter that Lee was requesting to lower child support and payments also stopped this month. Frequent garnishments were from August 2014-February 2016 so when he says he paid for two or more years, that is a lie and I can show you the truth. In June of 2016 (three months after Leeam’s third birthday of which I did not receive the annual birthday text) Leeam asked Nicholas if he was his daddy. When Nick told him that it was up to him, Leeam CHOSE Nick to be his daddy. From the moment Nick met Leeam he was head over heels in love with that boy. He would go to the ends of the earth for him before he even really knew him. Nick would pay for child care and would offer to help with finances. He would show up at our house with pull-ups and dinner without even being asked for help. All it took was one look at Leeam for Nick to fall in love with him and the love he had/has for him is always on his face.

In August on 2016 we had our child support hearing where Lee was denied the lowering of our payments. I called him that night once again begging him to please start being active in Leeam’s life because to me, even though Leeam had Nicholas, I still wanted him to know where he came from. Lee was hesitant at first saying things like ” Well there is no way I could be any where close to the father he already has.” After a long conversation I convinced him to start trying and I asked him to speak to Leeam on the phone. (Leeam has always known about Lee and has pictures from the few months he lived with us.) Lee said all of two words the entire time. A few weeks went by and I hadn’t heard anything so I sent Lee a picture of Leeam on his first day of school trying to spark conversation so that maybe he might want to start making the plan to meet Leeam. He showed no interest.

September 2016 you guys had started dating and were in your big car accident. I reached out to Lee to see that he was okay, when he told me of your condition I spent the weeks after praying for you and I didn’t even know you. I would wait until October of 2016 to try again to get Lee to see Leeam. We set a day and a time and Lee would not contact me until after the time we were supposed to meet so we planned on another day in November. The time that fell through in November was my fault, I forgot that we had made plans to go to his friends birthday party and it ran late so I apologized and asked to reschedule because Leeam was tired and wanted to go home. I never got a response and would not hear from him again until December when I told him he couldn’t just disappear because plans fell through. This would be when his response was “Well my main priority is my pregnant girlfriend.” Which as you know was you. Barely pregnant and already more important to him than Leeam ever was, and he said that himself.

December 2016 he called me saying that you broke up with him and wanting advice on you. He didn’t call me to ask about Leeam, he didn’t call to see or speak to Leeam, he called me because he wanted to know if pregnancy hormones made you dump him. On New Years I messaged him saying that I hoped 2017 could be a fresh start and that he would start being there for Leeam. His response, “I’ll be there.” We eventually made plans to meet in January but of course he needed a ride and I was broke and short on money for his school so I asked Lee if he could help out with any money since it was coming up on a year since I had received any support and I really needed the help. He told me he would help with what he could when he got paid on January 20th. So I told him we would schedule to meet on January 20th when he could help. I was not about to spend money on a ride for him when that money could go on my son’s school. He called yelling at me which you know because at this point you had become someone I spoke to almost daily. In fact you had a lot more things to say about Lee then I ever did. Kind of funny how that worked out. I would get two more texts from Lee in January. One claiming I was trying to fuck up his life and one saying “how is Leeam” because YOU told him to.

I would not hear from Lee again until I reached out to him in September of 2017 when I called him explaining to him that I wanted to have Nick adopt Leeam where he very willingly accepted this. I told him that I would have the child support stopped (even though he wasn’t even paying it) before then if he would just cooperate since we both knew he wanted nothing to do with Leeam. Well Oklahoma would not let me stop the child support so long as Leeam was on the states health insurance, which he needed because I don’t work and Nick was not my husband yet so he couldn’t put Leeam on his. Lee was completely ready and was even calling me the very next day to see if I had called to schedule canceling the support yet. Well the October came and we had a child support hearing to lower the support amount since you had Hallie. That very same day I would get the “When can I see my son” text. When asked why the sudden change of heart he would say “because I deserve to see my son if I pay child support or not.” As if I had ever even denied him because of child support, in fact I have never even denied him of seeing Leeam. I may have pushed the day to a later one, but I have NEVER refused him.

So here we are now. I have filed for the adoption and you have convinced Lee to fight me, even though he and I both know he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. I am in no way worried about court because I know the truth. You may believe his lies, but you will never be able to know what really happened to bring me to this point. I can handle the fight and I can handle the trial. Even through these times I have been kind to you and tried to have some sort of relationship with you so that once this is said and done my son can know his little sister…but you have decided to start saying these things about me. I don’t deserve to be a mother, I have told nothing but lies but the truth will come out so that my son will no the mess I created for myself, I use my child as a pawn in my own fucked up life, and I abuse my child by keeping him from his father. You have been a mother all of 7 months and you think you have any sort of right to speak on what I am going through??! You don’t even know the half of the shit storm my son and I have gone through and you think you know all… HOW DARE YOU! You, the girl who smoked and drank at the river knowing you were pregnant. YOU the girl who ignored doctors orders to have your child sleep in your room until she was at least six months old to lower the chance of SIDS because “there wasn’t enough room.” You, the girl who is out every other night at a bar or the river while your child is with someone else…you have the audacity to say I don’t deserve to be a mother? I pray you and your daughter never have to go through what Leeam and I have gone through. It has been hell getting to this stable and happy time in our life only to have you waltz in and try your best to ruin every thing and drag my name. I am a fantastic mother. I have raised a beautiful, smart, and amazing young man ON MY OWN. I thank God every single day that this sweet boy of mine is nothing like Lee and every bit like me and the father he chose to have. Nick and I will continue to raise this sweet boy while you and Lee play victim and run your moths, but I won’t forget any of this. We will see our victory in court, Leeam will legally have the father he deserved from the beginning, and I will laugh in your face on that day. You’re a child, Dusti. A scared little girl who was intimidated by our situation and wanted to have a voice where you voice didn’t matter. You are absolutely irrelevant when it comes to my child, and though your words about me irritate me, even those have no hold over me. Those who make you angry control you, and I refuse to give you any control. So I will just sit here on the sidelines watching and laughing as you continue to make a fool out of yourself. I will continue to love my son and do what is best for him while you and Lee party and act like victims. Please keep dragging my name, I cannot wait to see the day that all blows up in your face.

To my boyfriends mother…

I will start by saying in the last two years I have grown to love you so much. You have been so sweet and so kind in every way. For you two years I have thought I hit the jackpot with you. You accepted my son as your own grandchild, included us in every one of your family events, and let me confide so much in you. I thought we had this great relationship, so now I have to ask why the hell you all of a sudden hate me so much?

Did you ever stop to think why when we bought our home, that we bought it five minutes away from you? Why I moved my son and myself AN HOUR away from everyone and every thing we have ever known? Let me take you back to March when we announced we were looking for a house, do you remember what you said to him right in front of me, because I sure do.  “You’re not moving far away from me like everyone else, you have to stay close.” Speaking to your 25 year old son as if he doesn’t get to choose where he lives while also insisting I have to move away from my life.

Since we have been here you have had to have your opinion in place about every little detail of our lives and I have ignored it and let you say your piece. I have been nothing but kind to you and understanding because I can’t imagine it is easy to watch your child grow into an independent adult. I have reminded him to call on family members birthdays and keep family updated in our lives. I have even gone out of my way to keep you involved myself by even showing up at your home just to talk with you about how things are going. There have been so many times where you have known what was going on in our lives and my mother was left not knowing because I am always so worried about you. Now, that stops. If you want to know details talk to your son, who you and I both know does not talk to anyone about anything.  I am not your child and I will not allow you to treat me like that any longer. The thing about respect is, if you can’t give it to me, I will not give it to you.

Now you are attempting to stir shit up and ruin what your son and I have because you are selfish and insist on being in the middle of everyone’s business. You’re constant backhanded comments are very clear to both of us, and newsflash, they are only pissing your son off. Yes, I quit my job that was over an hour away that I had to leave at three in the morning to go to when we moved to the town YOU insisted we live in. Yes, that was discussed between the two of us before it happened. NO, that is not any of your business. We are adults and we are a unit, our business is between us. We don’t need you taking every single chance you can to remind us that he “works too hard.” I promise you I am completely aware of how much he works, and I can promise you that I bring just as much to the table. You take little jabs like, “You’re too skinny, are you eating?” “You’re too skinny, people want to know if you’re okay?” One, he looks healthy, not sick. Two, yes he has lost weight, for one he works in attics in 100 degree weather. He loses weight every summer. Two, he is eating home cooked meals instead of fast food every night now. Lastly, he no longer parties and drinks his weight in alcohol every weekend. So if you want to blame me for how thin he is, go ahead, I will gladly take credit for him living a healthier lifestyle.

I have been ignoring your little comments for four months now, venting in secret and letting it go. Your son finally broke and told you to back off (without me knowing he even contacted you about it.) and you immediately attack me and everything I am. I respond with the kindest most thought out response to express why we are bothered by what you say while also treating you with respect in what I say, and you come back with nothing but hurtful and false accusations. How dare you. First of all to say I have ever sent any “digs” at you over Facebook is completely BOGUS. There has never been anything negative between us for me to have a reason even want to send a dig your way, but hey I guess if the shoe fits, wear it. Oh, and you have to walk on pins and needles around me because I take everything out of context? What the fuck are you event talking about? If anyone has to walk on pins and needles it’s me do to your constant judgment of everything we do or say. I have never given you any reason to feel I didn’t like you. Not once have I disrespected you or left you out. At this point you are literally pulling things out of your ass to try and upset your son because you are pissed that he finally chose to come to my defense. Which yeah, you are upsetting him, but he is not upset with me. Your disrespect and hateful words are only pushing him away from you. You claim I am trying to push a wedge between him and you, but newsflash, that wedge belongs to you. I would never dare try to stand between him and his family. This wedge you claim I put between him and his dad, never existed as far as I knew. You say they didn’t talk for months because of me? I call bullshit because if they weren’t talking it wasn’t something I knew about, nor was it my business.

I moved an hour away from my life, I missed my own mothers birthday for your family reunion, I stopped going to my fathers traditional Christmas Eve get together to start going to yours, I canceled my own birthday plans and told your son to take our son to your Thanksgiving that you chose to throw on my birthday even though we told you before your plans were set that it was my birthday and we had plans. That is just a few of the many things I have done to NOT create a wedge between you and your son. We have gone to everything we have been invited to, I personally have kept you involved in what is going on in our lives, and I have done everything to keep you happy. Clearly everything I have done is not and never will be enough for you. All I can tell you is you need to come into reality real soon before the wedge you’re driving between you and your son pushes him further. He loves you, and I love you. We want things to be as great as they have been for the last two years, but I have chosen to give this battle to him. Every choice is his now. If we go to an event, his choice. If you know what’s going on, his choice. If you get a phone call, his choice. I will no longer push him to stay involved. I will take no role in this game you’re playing and neither will my son. If you want to disrespect me, my son and I will gladly stay at home. I will not let you disrespect his mother in front of him EVER again. I suggest you think a little harder on just how much I have given up and how little your son has had to give up for this relationship and be grateful your son found a woman who can be kind and respectful even when being attacked, and a woman who loves him unconditionally and would do absolutely anything for him. You will not be successful in driving us apart. I am not scared of having to deal with this for the rest of my life, he is worth it to me. His love is greater than any hate you can throw at me, so you need to get back on board and realize he is grown and the chord has been cut.

Sincerely,
The woman who loves and adores your son.

Be a man.

We’ve all heard it. This common, yet confusing saying that is basically used to say “toughen up.” We hear it everywhere, but my question is why? Why would we tell our children to be a man? How could they even begin to understand what being a man even means? The words we use with our children play a pivotal role in what kind of person they grow up to be. Words can be used as motivation or even be our biggest limitation.
Think back with me…to a time when someone said something that stuck with you your entire life. How did it shape you? For me it was “You’re so bossy, boys won’t like you if you’re bossy.” I have always been a leader. I like to take charge and get things done. When I was little, adults took that for being bossy. I heard this so often that I stopped wanting to put myself out there. Once middle school came along I no longer wanted to get involved, especially in group assignments. Those words still haunt me to this day. Is this really how we want to shape our babies? By discouraging their personality and not encouraging them to lead?

Big boys don’t cry. I get it, we don’t want to hear our kids cry about every little thing. It’s exhausting and seems so unnecessary. However, telling them not to because “big boys don’t cry” is not okay. It will never be okay. How can you look into your little boys eyes and literally tell him he is not allowed to express his emotions because that wouldn’t make him a man? Are our little boy supposed to just grow into emotionless robots? I for one will not use words that will mentally destroy my son. I refuse to let him grow up thinking that as a man the only thing he needs to show is strength. When my son is scared or cries, I will not make him hide or throw away those emotions. Crying is an incredibly important release. If my son expresses his frustrations with tears, I REFUSE to let him feel like that makes him less of a man.

Be a man.
Toughen up.
Big boys don’t cry.
All terms that we associate with little boys right? Aside from being mentally damaging, what do you think these sayings teach our children? It is suggesting that our little girls cannot be tough. Being that I am a woman, I will be the first to tell you we are pretty damn tough, and we didn’t become that way by being told from the moment we were born to “be a woman.”

I for one would rather throw out the blanket statements and encourage our children.
Be strong.
Be brave.
Don’t be ashamed.

My son and I do a little routine every day using positive affirmations.
Of course at four I have to feed him what to say but I hope he carries it with him as he grows and uses what applies to him.
Leeam’s Positive Affirmations:
I am Leeam.
I am strong.
I am loved.
I am kind.
I am smart.
I am happy.
I am handsome.
I am confident.
I love myself.

We have to start throwing out the norm. We have to encourage our children to be true to themselves.  We have to start building their self esteem!
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Leeam

March 7th, 2013. This day changed my entire life, this day my perfect 6 pound, 8 ounce, 20 inches long prince charming came into this world. I remember holding him for the first time like it happened five minutes ago. When I looked at him I physically felt my universe shifting to him. Those big blue eyes and that comically furrowed brow. He was perfect. He is perfect. I was all this sweet boy had for mom and dad for three years of his life. From the first nights at home under the jaundice lights, to the five night stay in the children’s hospital with RSV, and the first, out of many, times strep throat kicked his butt. I have been his only constant through every boo boo, every illness, long night, and all of the good times, too. He has been my only constant since that day as well.

I am raising Leeam to be independent and aware of himself. It is so important to me that he speaks his mind and stands up for himself. So I tend to get VERY protective when someone threatens this in any way. I’ve had many issues with this in this last year of not being a single mom, than I ever did before. Take for example, swimming. Leeam HATES getting his face/hair anywhere near the water. We got a pool this summer and he finally started enjoying the water. He would get in the pool without making us hold him, and would even take his floaties off. This was such a big deal to him, and I made sure to express how proud of him I was for going outside of his comfort zone. Then people started to come over and swim with us. One day there were a few girls over who weren’t afraid to jump in and go under the water, but Leeam was not ready for that yet. One adult who is very important to him had the audacity to say to my four year old, “Oh Leeam, that’s silly, we are going to make you tough like the girls before the summer is over.” My jaw dropped. One, DO NOT TELL MY SON HIS FEARS ARE SILLY. EVER. I do not care who you are, you do not get to decide what another person is afraid of, and you damn sure do not get to make fun of that fear. Second, how dare you tell my son that he is not tough because he is afraid of jumping into the water. This is just one example of the MANY times my son has been affected by small minded people.

I guess since it has almost always just been him and me, I have an extremely hard time letting others in. I don’t want to let anyone in and ruin everything I worked so hard to achieve. I have a very strong, independent, well rounded, and respectful little boy and I never want anyone making him question who he is. I am so tired of having to be polite to these people and act like it’s okay to say those things to him because at four years old it is absolutely not okay.
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School

So, being that my son is four years old, he only recently started Pre-K. My sweet boy has taken to school quite well, however mommy is struggling. I feel like I am not a normal mom, on the first day I was walking back to my car and all I heard around me were quiet sobs and sniffling noses, yet I didn’t even shed a tear. The entire day before picking Leeam up from school, all I did was sit there and try to be sad enough to cry. I don’t understand. What I would think is that since I have worked so hard for the entirety of his life is that I would be depressed over only getting two months with my baby, after finally becoming a stay at home mom, before he went off to the world of school. All I wanted was one tear that I didn’t have to force, but really all I could feel was the excitement for my son to be starting this journey. I play sad on my Facebook so all of the old ladies can give me their silly advice and I can look slightly normal to those who follow my Facebook page for updates. I feel so silly for thinking I have to be sad that my son is growing up so fast. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE MY SON, and I want him to stay young and innocent as long as he can, but I am aware of reality. I know that growing up is inevitable, so I tend to look forward to the future. I am so happy each time he learns something new, or reaches the next milestone. I just don’t feel like one of those sensitive mommies who want to put a brick on their child’s head and keep them from the world. I grew up sheltered by my mother, not a bad thing, but more sheltered than necessary. It was enough that even once I was an adult, I felt my mom was still the boss… the boss? Funny huh? As if being a child is a job for our parents. Now, I love my mother. I was her first born and pretty much the guinea pig for her parenting. So I don’t fault her for being as…well…boss-like as she was toward me. I just don’t want to be the mommy that makes her kid feel guilty for going through life and reaching milestones. When my son grows up, if he wants to move away from me I want him to be comfortable doing so. If he buys a home, I want him to know I am proud of the home he made…and where it is. I just want to be the mommy that my son needs me to be in every step at life…not the picture perfect T.V. mom. UGH, whyyyy does school starting make us think about these things? Anyway, I hope everyone is enjoying their new school year. Enjoy this picture of the most handsome kid I know!20882625_1426398954113475_7648472269016022806_n